Escape
by Kisara-Rini
Summary: Kratos's thoughts during a night with Yggdrasill. His feelings about both Yggdrasill and Lloyd. Kratos/Yggdrasill, mentions of Kratos/Lloyd. Yaoi, slight non-con, implied incest


A/N: This was just an idea that kept poking at me for a while, so I decided to allow it to be written so it would stop pestering me. Heh.

Warnings: Yaoi, male/male love. Mentions of incest. Slight non-con/consensual rape. So if any of those things are going to really be difficult for you to read, please don't read anymore—this isn't something for you then.

Disclaimer: Tales of Symphonia and its characters belong to Namco Bandai, and I make no profit off of my playing with them.

~O~

_Lloyd_

I hadn't seen Yggdrasill in quite a while. So to say he was thrilled to see me again, would have been an understatement.

A desperate hand clawed at my back, another clumsily…hastily…began working on removing my clothing.

We were alone. The way he preferred us to be. But all I could do was think about my son.

My son. Lloyd. Alive.

I sighed, trying not to think about my old friend pushing me back against his mattress. The once young boy, Mithos…the hero…and the one I had trained myself, was pressing himself as close as he could to me. His own clothes now gone, and his bare knees nudging mine apart. I retreated further into my mind, holding in a gasping breath, when Yggdrasill thrust himself inside of me.

This was nothing out of the ordinary. Except that this time, he wasn't as violent with me as he could have been. But I always took it. Numbly. Allowing my Lord to claim me as his own, as he had been doing for almost 4000 years.

4000 years. Yes, I was more than used to it by now. My body knew his all too well. Responded to it without even a thought from me. Although on occasion, I allowed myself to participate much more than this. There had been a time I'd convinced myself that I was okay with it. That there wasn't ever going to be anything else for me. So I might as well accept it. But that time had long since passed. I'd found love, without even trying to, and I knew this was not it. It never had been, on my part. Back then, I had been alright with the idea that I was forgoing finding it myself. Helping Mithos in any form I could was my priority…And much to my surprise, the young boy I'd been traveling with had begun to develop feelings for me. I had been oblivious. Naïve even. And then had deluded myself into thinking that by allowing him to have me, I was somehow helping him. If his desire for me kept him happy…wasn't it my obligation, to the world he was trying to save, to give him what he wanted? Had I known…had I not been blinded…not been so stupid…perhaps I wouldn't be in this unavoidable, inescapable, situation I now was shackled to.

I sighed again, feeling the heat flushing my face. "Kratos…my Kratos," Yggdrasill was murmuring in my ear over and over. My eyes opened for a brief moment in which I gazed into his lust-filled ones. "Mithos," I whispered, earning a devilish grin from him. He was pleased. His arms wrapped even more tightly around my body, and he quickened his pace—thrusting himself inside of me with an enthused vigor. I could feel myself shudder beneath him, and I closed my eyes once more.

_Lloyd_.

I fell back into my escape. My mind would keep me ignorant of the physical world. My son was alive. And I had seemingly just betrayed his trust. That hurt. Much more than anything Yggdrasill had ever put me through.

And he had put me through the ringer.

When I had left Cruxis…well, let's just say the world should be glad he didn't split it into fourths. The hell he raised trying to track me down after the fact was still something the Grand Cardinals whispered about amongst themselves.

That was minuscule to what he unleashed on me himself when I returned. I paid for my betrayal. Over…and over…and over…in ways I couldn't even bring myself to imagine again. That had been true pain. Or, it would have been to anyone else. I however, was suffering something far greater than any punishment he could have thought up. I had lost my family. My heart had been shattered. I was broken, far beyond repair, before he got his claws back into me.

Yggdrasill's tongue licked up the side of my neck before I felt teeth sink into it. I gasped, startled back to the reality of my body's current violation. If only Yuan could see me now…

I bit my lip unconsciously, drawing blood instantly. Yggdrasill's soft laughter ringing in my ears now. His lips found mine, sucking the blood from them. "Don't hurt yourself, Kratos. That's what I'm here for." He pressed his lips against mine again, almost affectionately. "Oh, Kratos, I've been missing you." I was about to reply to him, when he took the opportunity to slip his tongue into my mouth. Unwillingly, I moaned despite myself. This only egged him on further, enjoying the sound of the pleasure my body was taking in our coupling. His tongue seemed to be testing the boundaries of how far he could push it into my mouth. His nails now gripping the sides of my arms. It more than stung, to say the least. And I knew he was far from finished with me. After all, he had missed me.

I had only just returned to Cruxis. Previously, I'd been helping Lloyd and the Chosen One on their journey of regeneration. It had taken everything I had in me to not just stay with them…to forgo Cruxis right then and there. My son…Lloyd…he still had no idea. He wasn't strong enough to take on Cruxis yet. He needed me. And I needed him. He was all that remained of the family I once deluded myself into thinking I could have. He was the only thing left in these worlds that I actually truly loved. And I wished I was still fighting beside him…watching him sleep at night…training him…confusing him by how well Noishe and I got along. Even provoking him to be better than he was. He had to be. I needed him to be. Given enough motivation, enough encouragement, enough sheer will power, Lloyd could save us all.

_Lloyd._

Martel, I love him. Probably more than I should. I'm not even sure why, or how that happened. Perhaps the shock of seeing him alive once more triggered something. Being unable to understand how that obnoxious, naïve, dense…beautiful…boy could have possibly been related to me. He had a father now. He wasn't the little boy I had begun to raise. Anna…please, forgive me? He didn't need a father anymore. I wasn't there to watch him grow up. And if I had been, I'm sure he'd have turned out much differently…not at all like the strong willed, and large hearted young man he was. He'd have probably ended up too much like me. No…that would be giving me far too much credit. I could see so much of his mother in him, that surely he would have taken after her more.

I smiled to myself, which was probably not the best move I could have made. Yggdrasill took it as an invitation to sink his teeth into my flesh once more, at the base of my neck. "Yes, my Kratos…all mine. My oldest friend. You and I will be together forever." I felt his hand crawling up my chest, then threading into my hair and gripping it tightly.

Together forever…I closed my eyes, trying to hold back a grimace. This was my punishment. I'd allowed it to get to this point. I deserved it. To have my body betray me and crave his touch…want it…enjoy every administration of it. I had no one to blame but myself, that I'd become Mithos's…Yggdrasill's…most cherished belonging.

Yuan tried to warn me. All those years ago. He had seen the way Mithos looked at me. Noticed how Mithos cherished my opinion, and my approval, of everything he did. And after what happened with Martel, I was the only one to be able to console him even a little. Not that I ended up doing a thorough enough job on that front. Perhaps if I had, if I could have actually loved him, we wouldn't have been in the state we were now.

And Yuan. I wouldn't listen to him when he told me I was making a terrible mistake by allowing Mithos's affection. Indulging it. And at the worst, encouraging it. It wasn't until Mithos approached me, wanting to show off his new body—when he embraced his identity as Yggdrasill, leader of Cruxis—that I began to have an inkling of what I had let myself get caught up in. That first night with him, the way he was now, when he admitted that he wanted this appearance for more than just looking the part of a figure head…he told me it was so that we could be together. So I wouldn't view him as a child anymore. That was the first night he took me. The first of many more to come…Many more mornings where I'd wake up and be met with Yuan's look of disappoinmentt, and eventually disgust. He, who had known love—love with Martel—and knew better than I did, that this would end badly.

But it wasn't the nagging thought of Yuan's disapproval in the back of my mind anymore. It was thoughts of Lloyd.

_Lloyd_.

He was starting to learn, to become stronger. Despite how it might have appeared, with my constantly harassing him to the point of almost looking down on him, I was proud. Proud of what he was becoming. Proud to have met the young man he had grown up to be without me. He gave me a reason to once again wish for more in my life. The way his mother had. To love again. To want to escape this hell that I had succumbed to.

I began to become aware that my heart was racing even more now. I could hear it pounding in my ears. The safe haven of my mind was being intruded upon by the increasingly hard to ignore reactions of my body. Yggdrasill was moaning, breathlessly saying my name repeatedly. And I could no longer deny that this drawn out torture was getting to me. Without thinking, I had clutched at him, holding him closer to me—and therefore feeling him all the more. This was where I was. Caught in his embrace. And the unconscious desire that had been building up within me was reaching its peak. I couldn't ignore it. And the more aware of it I was, the more I desired to be released from it. To have Yggdrasill push me there, past the edge, where I would be blinded by the ecstasy he was bringing me.

Oh Martel…Lloyd…I couldn't stop myself anymore. I know, I'm a sinner. And I pay for it every day.

"Mithos," I couldn't help but exclaim, now consciously participating in the frenzy of our bodies locking together. "Oh…" I let out several ragged breaths. I was close. And I could tell by the way he was digging his fingers deeper into my skin, and his teeth clamped down onto my shoulder, that he was too.

How could I have let it get to this. It never should have been him, making me feel this. It should have been someone I loved. Like it had been with her. Anna. She had known what I was…what I had been allowing Yggdrasill to do to me—not that I had a choice anymore in that. And she forgave me for it. Loved me even. Enough to risk everything, even the wrath of Yggdrasil, to be with me. And then we had Lloyd.

_Lloyd._

Oh Anna, please, forgive me once more. Forgive me for wishing that at this very moment, that I could be here with someone I loved. The only thing left that I loved. Lloyd.

What was worse? My being here with Yggdrasill, or my wishing it was my son that was above me…pressing himself against me…moving inside of me. I'm a sinner.

Lloyd…Lloyd…Lloyd. Tears were almost breaching the corners of my eyes, but I could not allow them to fall. Lloyd, Lloyd, Lloyd. Oh goddess…if only I had my Lloyd here with me.

I clung to Yggdrasill more desperately now, imagining my son. Hearing his voice calling out my name, instead of Mithos's. My body felt like it was about to burst, and I kept the image of Lloyd with me—his voice in my head—as I let myself go.

Oh gods…Lloyd…Lloyd! And it almost slipped out my mouth. "Ll—" I bit my lip again to stop myself from saying it.

Yggdrasill was lying on top of me, catching his breath, and finally exhausted from our activity. He had his eyes closed and was making no indication that he had heard anything escape my lips. Had he not noticed anything? I worked on stilling my breath, and trying to keep my calm. It looked like perhaps I was safe. Yggdrasill mumbled my name to himself, rolled off of me, and was almost instantly asleep by my side.

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. Staring up at the ceiling of Yggdrasil's private chambers, I allowed myself to wallow for a moment. I gripped the sheets with clenched fists, and tightly shut my eyes. I was the worst of the worst. First, for getting myself stuck in this position to begin with. And then again for having it be only thoughts of my son that could save me. I had just allowed myself to envision it being him I was sleeping with. Him…I wanted to make love to. My own son. Not that I had been, or could ever be, a real father to him. Fuck.

I wanted to kill myself for the shame of it. Because I couldn't deny that given the chance…even if it were only a fantastical one…I would want it. My Lloyd. My love. My world.

I rolled over onto my side, so that Yggdrasil and I were back to back now. Silently, I let the tears well up again, and escape the corner of my eyes. Please, Martel…Anna…if you could find it within you…please, forgive me, for I have sinned.

And I'd do it all over again for a single chance to be with him. With Lloyd.

~end.


End file.
